Catching up

I kinda fell off the planet for a minute. We were using our friends Internet but she recently got divorced. Goodbye Internet :( things have been going well. Josh turned 21 yesterday and I spoiled him rotten! Now we have Christmas and Aiden's birthday to look forward to. If you'd like to come to his birthday just let me know :)
I'm not pregnant yet :( but were still trying. I hope it's soon, I miss being pregnant.
I hope your all doing well! I love you guys have a great day
<3

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - A. A. Miline

I've kinda fallen off the planet for a minute there. I haven't been handling life very well. I cry to much, I get mad easily, I stress about absolutely everything. F my life. The bills are getting bigger and bigger. My supposed "best friend" is a lying slut. Were planning on having another baby and that scares the shit out of me. I feel like I'm a big fat burden on everyone I love. I never meant to work so much. My bother in law told me the other day " you see Aiden 3 days out of the week while we have him for four." break my heart. I hate that I have to leave him that long. A little blonde haired boy came up to me in the lobby last week. I offered him a cookie and he ran to his mom and told her I was pretty. I cried, I went into the bathroom and balled. I may not get a lot of time with him but god damn it I love him. I told Josh when we have another baby I will not work anymore. Josh will have to find a better job because I won't do it again.

God I'm falling apart. I'm supposed to have it togeather, I'm supposed to be super mom.

Mixed emotions

I'm not pregnant. I started my period. I'm upset, I'm relieved, I'm stressed, I'm crushed. I was so excited to be pregnant. I was excited to give Aiden a brother or sister. I was excited to be pregnant again. I'm so bummed, I miss read the signs again. The throwing up, the being super tired, the smells, the headaches, the tender breast all of it. I swear I was pregnant but I guess not.

Ugh

Lately life has been.... Emotional. I've been an emotional roller coaster. I'm freaked about bills, I'm freaked about Christmas, I'm freaked about us buying a house, I'm sad I only have 2 more days with Aiden before he goes to grandmas, I'm angry that I have to go back to that hell hole, I'm worried Josh won't take his GED, I'm upset that on Josh's days off he wants to sit and play video games, and I'm pissed that my house no matter how much I scrub it will never be clean. Ah! I feel crazy inside, so much is going on, I'm stressing about everything. I feel like I'm taking the whole load. I need to find a stress reliever. I recently quit smoking and I'm constantly on edge. It just sucks, I wish there was a button that paused everything. I want to go back with my mom, who loved me, who never let me worry about anything. Can I do the same for Aiden? After my Mom was divorced when I was 5 she went into some serious debt. We lived off food stamps and di for a long time. I never noticed how hard things were for my Mom. I never caught her crying or cursing God for such a hard life. She was never bitter, she just did what needed to be done.

On a positive note I got Aiden his Halloween costume! He'll be the cutiest tigger ever! He looks so much older lately. Oh does he talk up a storm! He almost never talks gibberish anymore. Speaking of Aiden he's awake. :)

Everyone have a great day

September 29

Josh and I started dating September 29, 2008. Three beautiful years with a wonderful man. Falling in love with Josh was so exciting and so fast. We were engaged in Feb the following year. Everything felt right. I've talked about marriage with ex boyfriends but it didn't feel right until I met Josh. He's my soulmate and my best friend. Josh knows me inside and out. I don't have a single secret from him.
I left him a note in the car this morning telling him how grateful I was for him. He didn't have to marry me, he didn't have to be the great father he is but he did. He loved me enough he gave up being a teenager, living with his parents and pretty much all his friends to be my husband. I've never felt such a powerful love.

I love you Joshua Paul Howe forever and always

FML

That's all I keep repeating in my head. That doctors words keep stabbing my mind.
" well everything looks good with your pap smear, except your hpv postive. You'll need a pap smear every six months to check for cervical cancer." the only thing I could say was oh my god. I can't believe it. First kidney stones now this. This might be all my fault. I've faithful to Josh since the day I met him. But what about before that?
I'm so done. I'm so tired.
And what if I'm pregnant? What does that mean for my baby?

Day 1

Ok I'm starting to freak out. I really want to have another baby. It feels right, then why the hell am I freaking out? Why am I so excited? Josh stil needs to get his GED, go through the police academy, and get a better job. I want to be the stay at home mom. I want to be the mother and wife.

I believe were going to get pregnant soon, so there's habbits I need to quit. No soda, no coffee :(:(:( and no smoking. I need to start eating better as well.

I can't believe it's time. A little baby to rock and sing to. Also Aiden to play with and feed. What a crazy world I'm entering

:)

My dad just e mailed me and told me he'll send me a check so Josh can get his GED!!!! Once he gets that we can enroll him into the police academy!! I'm so happy! Things are looking up for us! No more stinkin little ceasars! No more being away from my baby for days at a time!!!
Great!!!!

Ah!!!!!

Why do men only think with their penis? I go Josh we shouldn't have sex we have no birth control!
Eh, I'll pull out
Josh you didn't pull out!!!
Oh well
Oh well? Do you want to have another baby? What if you just got me pregnant?
Then I just got you pregnant, it must be right if it happened so fast.
Ah!!!!!!! I'm ovulating!!! Ladies and gentlemen I'm guessing I'm going to be pregnant sooner than we planned.
HOLY CRAP!

Doctor

Miscarried, the doctor told me today that my copper t must have gotten knocked out when I got my surgery. I had a super heavy crampy period. I miscarried. I feel weird. My little baby left me. I knew I was pregnant. I don't really want to blog as much as I wanted to. Maybe I'll go call my mother in law. She always make me feel better....

Hopefully

No period yet, but I did make an appointment with the midwives for Tuesday. Hopefully nothing serious happened, like an infected copper t. I'm thinking I missed my period because of stress. A bill for 2,300 here a bill for 90 there. I might as well just light my money on fire! On top of that I need to make more appointments for Josh and myself. Josh offically has a hole in his tooth, it's time to force him to the dentist. I guess the worst part about all this is Christmas won't be as big as I planned :( I wanted Aiden to be blown away with how great his birhday and Christmas were going to be.

I really hope Josh was being serious about getting his GED and getting a better job. He's very excited to get a job at the prison. I'm glad Alissa suggested it :) it's all he talks about. When I work at the prison, oh just you wait Karen until I work at the prison!

Well, here's to a new day! Hopefully yours is filled with joy and lots of sunshine :)

Ambers wedding, Camping and finally being home

Let me start out by saying how gorgeous Amber and Tino both looked at the wedding! There were some tiny bumps along the way (mostly our faults) other than that the wedding went smoothly. We had breakfeast Saturday morning with my in laws, Tino's parents, his brothers and this chick who won't have a name other than whore. She thinks she can tell my husband how hot he is and when he's ready to leave his wife she'll be ready! I thought she was my friend! But I'm not bitter ;) The breakfeast was great! We went to Cali's in Orem and it was great! Besides the waitress that spilled my coffee all over the table! Tino's dad Reben was very sweet, he kept giving Aiden quaters for the candy machine. Anyone who's sweet to my baby is definately on my good side.

After breakfeast it was off to the American Fork Ampitheater to set up for the wedding. Melody (my mother in law) made it look great! I hope she gets all the credit for that wedding. She did sooo much! I asked Amber once everything was set up what we could do to help, she said we could pick up the cake and the flowers. What my sweet sister in law failed to mention was that we were picking up two huge cakes not one. One of the cakes sat on my lap and I held the flowers with my feet. We got home and had no room in the fridge for the bouquet so we called Amber and she said to put it in the freezer. The flowers ended up wilting before we got back to AF and somehow the side of the cake got smudged. :(

Everything worked out for the best! Aiden did a great job throwing flower petals. He looked so much older in his tux and bow tie. My little man is growing up! Poor guy ran down a hill to see daddy at the reception and scraped up his face. He was sooo cranky. Hopefully the pictures turned out at least half decent. We couldn't get him to smile to save our lives!

On Sunday we decided to destress and go camping. It was nice to be with family for so long. Most of the camping trip I held Aiden in front of the fire. God I love that kid.

It's nice to be home now, no more work for a minute just time to play with my boys <3

9 days in counting

So I didn't eat for a while, I got sick to my stomach. I haven't felt like this since I was pregnant with Aiden. Maybe I'm looking to much into this. All I know is I threw up from not eating. Holy crap

Not pregnant

Relief, and sadness. It would be so stressful if I was pregnant, it would also be wonderful. 8 days late and I'm not pregnant. I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I have a million emotions all at once. I was positive I was pregnant this time. Ugh, On the bright side we can prepare for our new baby better.

Everything has an interesting way of working out

After Aiden was born my period has been right on. Not a couple days early, not a couple days late. I'm 8 days late for my period. Call me paranoid but I'm freaking out a little bit. Josh hasn't woken up yet so I'm sneaking to the store to get a pregnancy test.

Wonderful

Now that I'm wide awake I might as well blog more. Music, it's been putting my heart back togeather. Taking me out of a horriable fog. Leaving ex boyfriends in the past, letting my heart fully and completely in love. I have been so smitten with Josh these days. I miss him like crazy when he's gone, I think about him constantly. I had a horriable ex when I was younger. He made me feel as if I was a bad person, I deserved to have him beat me at such a young age. Why else would someone I loved beat me and use me for sex if I didn't deserve it? Josh told me I couldn't fully love him until I loved myself, he told me that when we first started dating. He told me he would stand by my side until the day I loved myself and everyday after that.

I'm starting to realize that I do love myself and the many people who love me as well. I remember an English teacher in high school who had an amazing impact on me. She taught me about Carpe Diem's ( a moment you seize the day) this is my Carpe Diem. I am a wonderful mom, I would do anything for my son. I am a great wife and a damn good worker. I'd do anything for the people I love. I can't let him haunt me the way he has for so many years. I've finally let him go. It feels so... Wonderful. No longer can he haunt my dreams, no longer can he tell me how worthless I am. He can't hurt me anymore. He has no more power over me. Wow, I don't think I've confessed my nightmare to anyone but Josh and maybe Sunny or Emily. It feels good. I've held on to this for a long time. I feel like I can live now. I don't feel the aches in my body, the terror of feeling like I don't deserve happiness.

I have the most wonderful husband in this whole world. I was broken, until his sweet spirit fixed me. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. If you have the time listen to the song wonderful by annie lennox. That's what really helped me.

Thank you for your love and support. I'm going to be ok, thank god!

Lila

It came in a dream, a baby girl named Lila Howe. I held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep.

Baby!!!!!!

So I've been talking to Josh and were going to have another baby!!! Were planning on getting pregnant in January! So much to do before then! So much planning!! I found a job I can do at home, that way I can be with the new baby and Aiden!
I'm so excited! It's been the only thing on my mind lately! I'm really going to have another baby! I can't beleive it!!!! Aiden will have a friend!

My brain is so restless hopefully I can sleep!!!

One day

How do you escape yourself? How do you escape the sadness in your heart? When does it get easier to control it? I love my husband, I love my baby, my family and my friends. Being so sad makes me a wonderful lover, but it makes me lonely. I want to break down, I want to lay in someones arms and completely fall apart. Why do I run when people reach out?

I'm changing my life, so I can hopefully be a happier person

•I'm going to finally quit smoking. But Karen I thought you quit already? Sadly no, hopefully soon
• I'm going to get a better job, which means I need to finish the math part of my GED
• I need to figure a way to get my Joshies teeth fixed
•I need a bedtime, lol more sleep happier mommy in the morning
•I need to quit drinking soda
• I need to become a better cook
• I need to exercise more
• I need to find a pass time I enjoy
• I need to finish those damn classes to finally get my license

Long list but I think it will be worth it

To have or to wait?

You know what I noticed? Everytime I talk to my mother in law I get extremely baby hungry. Also Aiden is growing up fast and without a playmate. I've been thinking about it A LOT lately. It's not fair that Aiden is going to have no one to talk to, no one to relate to. That makes me really sad.

I want another baby! I want to feel it in my stomach, that little life. That excitement that a brand new baby can bring. The only thing that scares me, I already love Aiden with everything I have how I can I love another baby like I love him? It doesn't seem possible, it doesn't seem right.

Oh what to do?

Owie :(

All I really want to say is owie :( this surgery is probably one of the most painful experiences I've ever had to go threw. Thank god for my hubby and my daddy. Without them I don't think I would have made it out of the recovery room.
The surgery went well, I went in at 2:30 and left at 8:30 ( talk about a long day). I watched a movie from 3:30 til 5 while the doctor finished up another surgery. The anesthesiologist Dr. Priest came in before my surgery to talk to me. I started crying and told him how scared I was. He smiled and reassured me I was in great hands. He promised me he wouldn't let anything bad happen. He was a very nice guy.

I woke up an hour later in tremendous pain in the recovery room. The nurses were very sweet and helped me with whatever I needed. They even sat there and joked and small talked with me and my family. Amber (my sister in law) and Tino (her fiancé) brought me a feel well soon balloon. My mother in law bought me a chocolate shake and my daddy paid for my perscriptions. Can you beleive that the doctor would perscribe you pills that cost 97 dollars!? Ge'ez!

The sucky part I can't lift more than 10 pounds for 2 weeks :( that means I can't pick up my baby guy. It's going to be hard and I'm not going to lie I may cheat a little, but I'll try.

I think I'm going to get some sleep, if I can :(

The cherry on top on my sundae

It's been way to long since I've posted anything on my blog. I guess I haven't been up to it.

Last Friday I went to the hospital for extreme pain in my back and my stomach. I was diagnosed with kidney stones. When I saw the specialist today he said both my kidneys are full of stones. He suggested surgery as soon as possible. So Monday is the day, I'm really scared.

I've been taking medication for the pain and turns out I'm allergic. My body broke out with itchy bumps, not a fun experience! Well, yesterday we were going to the doctors to try a different kind of medication. We dropped the baby off at my friends we were a block away when this lady t boned us. I've never been in a car accident before. No one told me how angry I would be. I wasn't wearing my seat belt, I jumped around the car like crazy. That was the cherry on my sundae.

I miss feeling normal, I miss being a mommy. All I want is to take Aiden on a walk or go to the park. I'm in so much pain I just lay on the couch. Mother of the freakin year right there. I can't wait until I kick this thing in the ass!

Josh's sweet grandma died Saturday afternoon. I loved going and visiting her. She's the first one to really welcome me in the family besides my mother in law. When I was pregnant she always would ask me "Are you taking care of my baby?" or "You better be taking care of that baby for me." she'll be greatly missed. The funeral is tomorrow, I'm hoping I can cope with it ok. Josh is in so much pain, I need to be the strong one. For all the times Josh was my rock, I need to be his.

Here's to tomorrow, celebrating a wonderful soul that will be missed very much.

The dark days

The past couple of days have not been so great. I've been feeling so..... Alone. So alone I'm up at three in the morning writing in my blog. My life isn't going the way I planned it. I've lost myself and I have no clue how to get it back. I've withdrawn from people, friends and family. Their kind words only hurt. Why am I pushing people away? Maybe because it feels like my own husband is pushing me away. If I lost Josh or Aiden I can tell you right now my life would be over.
I need a plan for the future, as of right now i'm wandering around in the dark. Should I go to school? Should I wait until Josh decides he's ready? Will I work at Little Ceasars the rest of my god damn life? Because that's what it's starting to feel like. This is going to be the rest of my life. The same routine, the same worthless feeling. I hate my job. All I want to do is help people and I'll tell you what no body gives a flying crap if your giving them pizza. Oh and they'll express it too.
I just want to hide under my covers and never come out. Sometimes I can flash back to being a little girl. Surrounded by my stuff animals in that green room. Why can't I go back?
Josh told me today that if he didn't have me or Aiden life would be easier. He would be at his mom's playing video games. But isn't that what love is? Hard work?
I decided why I'm withdrawling from everyone. Love makes grieving harder, and right now I need to grieve. For the dead past and possibly my dead future.

Catching up :)

It's been a minute since I've been able to write in my blog. Life has been stressful. Here's the update,

•Josh was dismissed from court! Yay!
• My father in law Paul is in jail for writing a bad check. If he's charged he's looking at years in prison.
• I went and took the GED. I got really good scores in everything but Math. In Math a 410 is passing and I got a 390. Super close :( oh well I already beat myself up for it pretty good. On the plus side I did amazing on the other tests!
• Aiden has been sick for a couple days now and guess who woke up feeling like crap? Looks like we'll be having a take it easy, tomatoe soup, orange juice, Disney movie kinda day. I'm feeling some jungle book :)

Feeling better already :)

On Saturday I decided to quit smoking! I've had maybe a couple cigarettes since then. Today is the cold turkey day, not one puff all day. So far so good, but cravings are a terrible beast! You know what's funny, I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant with Aiden. A couple of months after he was born I started up again. I felt so out of place not smoking, I was the odd duck around my husband, my best friend and my co workers. I just wanted to be socially accepted. Plus if any of you have had a brand new baby you'll know how crazy you start to feel. Josh worked a lot, he wasn't much help at home (which I understand). So being outside and just taking a break felt pretty darn good. Shortly after just taking a break turned into a nasty habbit. I can't even run around the house without coughing up a lung. I used to run track in Jr. High, you'd never know that now.

I will not let tabacco shorten my life with my family! I will not let tabacco control my health! I will not feel socially awkward around anyone that smokes! No more!

On the plus side, I'm already starting to feel better :)

P.S. I love you

I watched the saddest movie today and yes in was p.s. I love you. If you haven't seen it I suggest you rent it, best chick flick ever! It got me thinking about what I'd do if Josh died. I don't think I'd ever take off his clothes, to tell you the truth I don't think I could get out of bed. I don't know how I'd take care of Aiden. Thank goodness I don't have to worry about it. I'm very grateful I found Josh and I'll continue to be grateful the rest of my life.

Umm on a side note some updates on my life

Getting my GED June 27th and the 28th! Keep your fingers crossed!

Josh has a court date I beleive on the 21st! Hopefully this is the court date that ends it all!

Aiden went down a slide yesterday all by himself! He giggled the whole way down! :) that kid amazes me constantly!

I'm going on Wednesday to see my friend kori and some other peeps :) super excited about that!

I think that's about it, I'm going to pass out
<3

Change

You know what's on everybodys mind, including mine? Change. Why does change hurt so bad? Josh and I took Aiden to a park in pg yesterday that I hate. All it does is remind me of a boy and a horriable time in my life. So why do I long for it? No responsibities, just hanging out in that park, hating the world. I've grown up and the boy has too. We've lived the same life, the difference is I took care of my responsibities. It's sad he isn't taking care of his family, or going into culinary school or being an artist. He's a bum. But when you give part of your soul to a bum you'll always love them.

I wouldn't trade Joshua or Aiden for the world, I haven't fully experienced love until I met them. But the change hurts, I'm not a teenager anymore, I can't just let my relationship ride where ever it wants to, a marriage is a lot of work. The funny part about this longing for that life is a waste of time. For one Josh is a million times better than that boy. For two I need to enjoy what I have right now. I'm going to be 40 looking back and missing where I am right now. Wishing I would have enjoyed it more. So welcome to the new me! I have no regrates and I live for the present and the future. My past is in the past and I won't be concentrating on it anymore. Change doesn't have to hurt, you can enjoy it as well.

Ouch

I've been going through this depression for a while now. I've been questioning my ability to be a mother, and questioning if Aiden really loves me. Lately all Aiden does is scream, throw things, and have tantrums! I've been going nuts lately with that kid. I've tried distracting, being nice, putting him in time out, I've almost tried everything.

I asked my mother in law yesterday if she would watch Aiden an extra day because me and Josh have to open togeather. You know what she told me? He's been getting super cranky lately when he comes over, he's starting to realize your gone. I almost started crying right there, if she can see how much Aiden loves me why can't I? I mean I love him so much, every Saturday about kills me. A little blonde baby came in the store and I just stopped. I stared at that baby until it hurt, my arms ached, my heart pounded, my eyes were flooded with tears. I hate working, I hate working so much I've slipped into this secret hell. No one knows what kind of pain I feel when I'm away from my baby. I feel like the worst mommy. The best part, I want another baby, but how could I bring another baby in this world and do what I do to Aiden. I love Aiden more than I've ever loved anyone, but this one question has been lurking in my mind lately, was I wrong keeping Aiden? Should I have given him to a family where the mom is always home to play, always in the kitchen making something yummy? Did I do the wrong thing?

Josh has court today, hopefully it will go well. Poor Josh has been so stressed out :( I know once this is all over he'll feel better

Change

You know what's so great about being married to Josh? Our support system. When something happens I react angry, then sad, and then accepting. When something happens to Josh it's almost like he goes on vacation, just doesn't worry. But when Josh gets back from vacation, is he one angry guy! I came home from work last night and he was really upset. He says, "Why did he bring me in this crap! This is all his fault!" I'm thinking well, duh Josh! It's Paul! I've been trying to tell you this whole time!! But I don't say anything, why do I want to be right? Out of all things to be right about, why this? Instead I held him and listened.

I can't beleive what he's doing to Josh. The only positive side to this is were done with Paul. Josh promised me if he'd ever did anything to hurt our family again, we'd be done with him. Josh didn't decided this, Paul did and once he realizes he's alone in this world, maybe he can start thinking about change.

Never again

What an awful day. Josh was served papers today, 7 counts of a class C misdemeanor and one count of a class B misdemeanor. Who's fault is this? My wonderful father in law! Let me give you a little back round on Paul.

He didn't show up for mine and Josh's wedding

When he lived in Pleasant Grove Paul was taking care of Josh's dog Monoxide because we weren't allowed to have any animals. When he decided to move he locked Monoxide and his daughter's cat in a room to die. We went and rescued them both.

He's a moocher! When I first met Josh I was buying Paul cigarettes, gas and drinks.

He never keeps to his word, everything that comes out of that mans face is a lie.

Most importantly he's been disappointing Josh since birth.

Paul runs a handy man business (without a license) for a couple of years now. Josh worked with him for a couple of months when he was 17. Well Paul has been getting in trouble with the American Fork cops lately for having his signs out on public property or being to loud while he works. So what does he tell the cop???? He tells them that Josh is a co owner for his business! That sperm donor brought my family into his shit!!!!! I can't believe him! I'm so incredibly mad I could just strangle him! Thank god for Steve (Josh's step dad) at least Josh has such a great guy to be his dad. If it wasn't for Steve I would feel so bad for kicking Paul out of our lives. Paul will never hurt my family ever again. He'll never know my son either, I've had to watch Josh hurt to many times. I will NOT let him do that to my son.

Josh goes to court next Wednesday so everyone keep your fingers crossed that he won't get charged with anything. I'm sure he's going to do just fine, but just in case Paul pulls something out of his ass like he always does.

On a brighter note my little guy is getting so big!!! New pictures on Facebook!!!! He makes me feel so much better, right now he's cuddled with his bottle and pillow pet. What an angel <3

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Wow, I started this blog such a long time ago. So much has happened, I don't even know were to begin! I guess I'll just start all over.

My name is Karen Louise Howe, I turned 19 in Feb. I have a lot of titles, some that I like and some that I don't. I'm a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a provider, a manager at little ceasars, an overprotective mom and a bitch.

I have one of the cutiest babies on the planet, Aiden Joshua Howe a little blonde hair and blue eyed cutie. He'll be a year and a half next month. I can't beleive how fast time flys by when you have a child! Aiden has changed me in many ways, my life wouldn't be complete without him.

My husband is Joshua Paul Howe, my sweetheart and my best friend. There is no way I could live this life without him. He has gorgeous blue eyes and a scraffy beard (I love that beard). We were married July, 18 2009 at Lavender Farms in Mona, Utah. Our wedding was wonderful thanks to my amazing mother in law. She's amazing!

Now I don't sugar coat anything, I'm not going to tell you how happy I always am or how perfect my marriage is. It's actually quite the opposite, my marriage is the hardest thing I ever commited to. But I'm working very hard to make him happy and I take pride in that. I feel that people don't see the raw side of my life, so welcome one and all to my blog.