Now that I'm wide awake I might as well blog more. Music, it's been putting my heart back togeather. Taking me out of a horriable fog. Leaving ex boyfriends in the past, letting my heart fully and completely in love. I have been so smitten with Josh these days. I miss him like crazy when he's gone, I think about him constantly. I had a horriable ex when I was younger. He made me feel as if I was a bad person, I deserved to have him beat me at such a young age. Why else would someone I loved beat me and use me for sex if I didn't deserve it? Josh told me I couldn't fully love him until I loved myself, he told me that when we first started dating. He told me he would stand by my side until the day I loved myself and everyday after that.
I'm starting to realize that I do love myself and the many people who love me as well. I remember an English teacher in high school who had an amazing impact on me. She taught me about Carpe Diem's ( a moment you seize the day) this is my Carpe Diem. I am a wonderful mom, I would do anything for my son. I am a great wife and a damn good worker. I'd do anything for the people I love. I can't let him haunt me the way he has for so many years. I've finally let him go. It feels so... Wonderful. No longer can he haunt my dreams, no longer can he tell me how worthless I am. He can't hurt me anymore. He has no more power over me. Wow, I don't think I've confessed my nightmare to anyone but Josh and maybe Sunny or Emily. It feels good. I've held on to this for a long time. I feel like I can live now. I don't feel the aches in my body, the terror of feeling like I don't deserve happiness.
I have the most wonderful husband in this whole world. I was broken, until his sweet spirit fixed me. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. If you have the time listen to the song wonderful by annie lennox. That's what really helped me.
Thank you for your love and support. I'm going to be ok, thank god!