Wednesday, October 26, 2011

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - A. A. Miline

I've kinda fallen off the planet for a minute there. I haven't been handling life very well. I cry to much, I get mad easily, I stress about absolutely everything. F my life. The bills are getting bigger and bigger. My supposed "best friend" is a lying slut. Were planning on having another baby and that scares the shit out of me. I feel like I'm a big fat burden on everyone I love. I never meant to work so much. My bother in law told me the other day " you see Aiden 3 days out of the week while we have him for four." break my heart. I hate that I have to leave him that long. A little blonde haired boy came up to me in the lobby last week. I offered him a cookie and he ran to his mom and told her I was pretty. I cried, I went into the bathroom and balled. I may not get a lot of time with him but god damn it I love him. I told Josh when we have another baby I will not work anymore. Josh will have to find a better job because I won't do it again.

God I'm falling apart. I'm supposed to have it togeather, I'm supposed to be super mom.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Mixed emotions

I'm not pregnant. I started my period. I'm upset, I'm relieved, I'm stressed, I'm crushed. I was so excited to be pregnant. I was excited to give Aiden a brother or sister. I was excited to be pregnant again. I'm so bummed, I miss read the signs again. The throwing up, the being super tired, the smells, the headaches, the tender breast all of it. I swear I was pregnant but I guess not.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Lately life has been.... Emotional. I've been an emotional roller coaster. I'm freaked about bills, I'm freaked about Christmas, I'm freaked about us buying a house, I'm sad I only have 2 more days with Aiden before he goes to grandmas, I'm angry that I have to go back to that hell hole, I'm worried Josh won't take his GED, I'm upset that on Josh's days off he wants to sit and play video games, and I'm pissed that my house no matter how much I scrub it will never be clean. Ah! I feel crazy inside, so much is going on, I'm stressing about everything. I feel like I'm taking the whole load. I need to find a stress reliever. I recently quit smoking and I'm constantly on edge. It just sucks, I wish there was a button that paused everything. I want to go back with my mom, who loved me, who never let me worry about anything. Can I do the same for Aiden? After my Mom was divorced when I was 5 she went into some serious debt. We lived off food stamps and di for a long time. I never noticed how hard things were for my Mom. I never caught her crying or cursing God for such a hard life. She was never bitter, she just did what needed to be done.

On a positive note I got Aiden his Halloween costume! He'll be the cutiest tigger ever! He looks so much older lately. Oh does he talk up a storm! He almost never talks gibberish anymore. Speaking of Aiden he's awake. :)

Everyone have a great day