Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I've been going through this depression for a while now. I've been questioning my ability to be a mother, and questioning if Aiden really loves me. Lately all Aiden does is scream, throw things, and have tantrums! I've been going nuts lately with that kid. I've tried distracting, being nice, putting him in time out, I've almost tried everything.

I asked my mother in law yesterday if she would watch Aiden an extra day because me and Josh have to open togeather. You know what she told me? He's been getting super cranky lately when he comes over, he's starting to realize your gone. I almost started crying right there, if she can see how much Aiden loves me why can't I? I mean I love him so much, every Saturday about kills me. A little blonde baby came in the store and I just stopped. I stared at that baby until it hurt, my arms ached, my heart pounded, my eyes were flooded with tears. I hate working, I hate working so much I've slipped into this secret hell. No one knows what kind of pain I feel when I'm away from my baby. I feel like the worst mommy. The best part, I want another baby, but how could I bring another baby in this world and do what I do to Aiden. I love Aiden more than I've ever loved anyone, but this one question has been lurking in my mind lately, was I wrong keeping Aiden? Should I have given him to a family where the mom is always home to play, always in the kitchen making something yummy? Did I do the wrong thing?

Josh has court today, hopefully it will go well. Poor Josh has been so stressed out :( I know once this is all over he'll feel better

Thursday, May 19, 2011


You know what's so great about being married to Josh? Our support system. When something happens I react angry, then sad, and then accepting. When something happens to Josh it's almost like he goes on vacation, just doesn't worry. But when Josh gets back from vacation, is he one angry guy! I came home from work last night and he was really upset. He says, "Why did he bring me in this crap! This is all his fault!" I'm thinking well, duh Josh! It's Paul! I've been trying to tell you this whole time!! But I don't say anything, why do I want to be right? Out of all things to be right about, why this? Instead I held him and listened.

I can't beleive what he's doing to Josh. The only positive side to this is were done with Paul. Josh promised me if he'd ever did anything to hurt our family again, we'd be done with him. Josh didn't decided this, Paul did and once he realizes he's alone in this world, maybe he can start thinking about change.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Never again

What an awful day. Josh was served papers today, 7 counts of a class C misdemeanor and one count of a class B misdemeanor. Who's fault is this? My wonderful father in law! Let me give you a little back round on Paul.

He didn't show up for mine and Josh's wedding

When he lived in Pleasant Grove Paul was taking care of Josh's dog Monoxide because we weren't allowed to have any animals. When he decided to move he locked Monoxide and his daughter's cat in a room to die. We went and rescued them both.

He's a moocher! When I first met Josh I was buying Paul cigarettes, gas and drinks.

He never keeps to his word, everything that comes out of that mans face is a lie.

Most importantly he's been disappointing Josh since birth.

Paul runs a handy man business (without a license) for a couple of years now. Josh worked with him for a couple of months when he was 17. Well Paul has been getting in trouble with the American Fork cops lately for having his signs out on public property or being to loud while he works. So what does he tell the cop???? He tells them that Josh is a co owner for his business! That sperm donor brought my family into his shit!!!!! I can't believe him! I'm so incredibly mad I could just strangle him! Thank god for Steve (Josh's step dad) at least Josh has such a great guy to be his dad. If it wasn't for Steve I would feel so bad for kicking Paul out of our lives. Paul will never hurt my family ever again. He'll never know my son either, I've had to watch Josh hurt to many times. I will NOT let him do that to my son.

Josh goes to court next Wednesday so everyone keep your fingers crossed that he won't get charged with anything. I'm sure he's going to do just fine, but just in case Paul pulls something out of his ass like he always does.

On a brighter note my little guy is getting so big!!! New pictures on Facebook!!!! He makes me feel so much better, right now he's cuddled with his bottle and pillow pet. What an angel <3

Monday, May 16, 2011

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Wow, I started this blog such a long time ago. So much has happened, I don't even know were to begin! I guess I'll just start all over.

My name is Karen Louise Howe, I turned 19 in Feb. I have a lot of titles, some that I like and some that I don't. I'm a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a provider, a manager at little ceasars, an overprotective mom and a bitch.

I have one of the cutiest babies on the planet, Aiden Joshua Howe a little blonde hair and blue eyed cutie. He'll be a year and a half next month. I can't beleive how fast time flys by when you have a child! Aiden has changed me in many ways, my life wouldn't be complete without him.

My husband is Joshua Paul Howe, my sweetheart and my best friend. There is no way I could live this life without him. He has gorgeous blue eyes and a scraffy beard (I love that beard). We were married July, 18 2009 at Lavender Farms in Mona, Utah. Our wedding was wonderful thanks to my amazing mother in law. She's amazing!

Now I don't sugar coat anything, I'm not going to tell you how happy I always am or how perfect my marriage is. It's actually quite the opposite, my marriage is the hardest thing I ever commited to. But I'm working very hard to make him happy and I take pride in that. I feel that people don't see the raw side of my life, so welcome one and all to my blog.