Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I haven't cried so much in the past two days then in the past whole year.It's hard to breath it's hard to think. My mom doesn't want me, my supposed father doesn't want me either. The only person I think wants me is Josh. We got a truck. And where getting an apartment. I don't want to grow up yet... I'm seventeen.. doesn't that mean I get at least eleven more months. I think I'm going to run to Neverland. I'll live with Peter pan.. I'll be a child forever. I'm not ready. I'm scared.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


I'm so mad today! Paul had the guts to apologize to josh. Left him a voicemail. ugh. I don't understand that man. Josh told me he's really confused. He's confused about paul, he's confused about me..... He told me he love's me... but he wants to make sure he doesn't hurt me... ouch.. 
Then, I come home from work.. I had this picture of me sunny and emily when we were littlier.. I was going to put it in my binder.. I mean they were my memories.. our memories.. And she ripped her face out of it.... 
On top of that Sage has been one of the bossiest people on the planet. Josh is threatening to move out... I love that josh lives here. I'm so depressed. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My passion <3

Today is kinda been a slow day. I went to school, passed off my adult roles packet  with a B :]
I really want to graduate. Prove myself to the world.
I have ballet tonight :] I'm so excited, Ballet is my passion. I'm on point now it hurts so bad but it's so pretty.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Fathers and Sons

I feel so crappy today.  Last night  Me Josh and Paul got in a huge fight. I should have just kept my mouth shut. But it made me so mad to hear what he said to josh. I'm like a mama bear, mess with my baby, You're done. It was almost like blind rage. Josh started walking away from paul saying he didn't want to talk anymore. Paul screams out PUSSY! I snapped. Shut the F up Paul! Start Actually being a Father! He yells out at me I am one! I told him to start being a better one! I yelled, Have you ever taken the chance to get to know how amazing your son is? He called me a really nasty name... Josh called paul and said it was over. That he had crossed the line. 
I feel terrible. They would be still talking if it wasn't for me. I just couldn't take it. I've been holding in all this anger towards paul. Josh doesn't deserve a crappy dad. And to hear him talk to josh the way he did. Made me so angry. 
Maybe he woke up this morning realizing he needs to  change some stuff. The way he treats his kids. Or maybe he'll wonder why only one of his kids talks to him anymore. What's really sad, is I was starting to see the good things about paul. I was excited to have him as a father in law. But as I was holding josh last night while he was crying. I realized Paul is an empty pathetic hole. He will always be the way he is. And it's none of our jobs to change him other than Paul

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Growing up

The most amazing thing happened today. I was sitting at the computer when josh told me to come  see what he had done. He took out his lip piercing, his tongue, and his gauges. He looked at me and asked if I liked it. I asked if he did. He told me that didn't matter. I told him I loved it, he looked me in the eyes and told me it's time to grow up.
Thats the best thing I could ask  for my birthday. I feel like josh would do anything for me. And he's growing up and is going to become the best husband. I never thought I would meet the man I would spend the rest of my life with. 
I've gone threw so many jerks to get to josh. I've cried, I've been heartbroken, I've been abused emotionally and physically. And it's all been worth it. I know god has a plan for me, and I know it's to have josh in my life. To be my partner and help me threw this life.
We read the scriptures tonight. At first josh was a little worried to read scriptures.  But we sat in my bedroom and he laid on my lap and listened. While we said the prayer he told me. It's time to grow up. I'm getting my life in order so I can get make to the church. It's scary, and I'm scared. But I have Josh. And I want to get married in the temple. I want to spend the rest of eternity with my sweet joshua. And I have faith that god will help me and guide me. 

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Pictures on my Camera

A growing boy needs his Cheez it's and chocolate ice cream!
HAHA I hope he doesn't kick my butt for this. Josh is a little boy at heart
Josh, his sister, and Paul. Cute picture :]


Some exciting news! Josh got a job!!! He looks so cute in his little caesars uniform! I'll have to get a picture up! He's so great, he hates doing dishes but he's great at everything else. Everyone finds him a joy at work :]
umm, I'm no longer living in my house. My mom and I got in a huge fight. She told me she didn't want anything to do with me, that she was embarrassed of me. I can never be the daughter she wants me to be. I've been trying to hold it together... I miss my mom... It's crazy how much you can fight with someone and still love them so much. I'll always love my mom.