The past couple of days have not been so great. I've been feeling so..... Alone. So alone I'm up at three in the morning writing in my blog. My life isn't going the way I planned it. I've lost myself and I have no clue how to get it back. I've withdrawn from people, friends and family. Their kind words only hurt. Why am I pushing people away? Maybe because it feels like my own husband is pushing me away. If I lost Josh or Aiden I can tell you right now my life would be over.
I need a plan for the future, as of right now i'm wandering around in the dark. Should I go to school? Should I wait until Josh decides he's ready? Will I work at Little Ceasars the rest of my god damn life? Because that's what it's starting to feel like. This is going to be the rest of my life. The same routine, the same worthless feeling. I hate my job. All I want to do is help people and I'll tell you what no body gives a flying crap if your giving them pizza. Oh and they'll express it too.
I just want to hide under my covers and never come out. Sometimes I can flash back to being a little girl. Surrounded by my stuff animals in that green room. Why can't I go back?
Josh told me today that if he didn't have me or Aiden life would be easier. He would be at his mom's playing video games. But isn't that what love is? Hard work?
I decided why I'm withdrawling from everyone. Love makes grieving harder, and right now I need to grieve. For the dead past and possibly my dead future.