Catching up

I kinda fell off the planet for a minute. We were using our friends Internet but she recently got divorced. Goodbye Internet :( things have been going well. Josh turned 21 yesterday and I spoiled him rotten! Now we have Christmas and Aiden's birthday to look forward to. If you'd like to come to his birthday just let me know :)
I'm not pregnant yet :( but were still trying. I hope it's soon, I miss being pregnant.
I hope your all doing well! I love you guys have a great day
<3

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - A. A. Miline

I've kinda fallen off the planet for a minute there. I haven't been handling life very well. I cry to much, I get mad easily, I stress about absolutely everything. F my life. The bills are getting bigger and bigger. My supposed "best friend" is a lying slut. Were planning on having another baby and that scares the shit out of me. I feel like I'm a big fat burden on everyone I love. I never meant to work so much. My bother in law told me the other day " you see Aiden 3 days out of the week while we have him for four." break my heart. I hate that I have to leave him that long. A little blonde haired boy came up to me in the lobby last week. I offered him a cookie and he ran to his mom and told her I was pretty. I cried, I went into the bathroom and balled. I may not get a lot of time with him but god damn it I love him. I told Josh when we have another baby I will not work anymore. Josh will have to find a better job because I won't do it again.

God I'm falling apart. I'm supposed to have it togeather, I'm supposed to be super mom.

Mixed emotions

I'm not pregnant. I started my period. I'm upset, I'm relieved, I'm stressed, I'm crushed. I was so excited to be pregnant. I was excited to give Aiden a brother or sister. I was excited to be pregnant again. I'm so bummed, I miss read the signs again. The throwing up, the being super tired, the smells, the headaches, the tender breast all of it. I swear I was pregnant but I guess not.

Ugh

Lately life has been.... Emotional. I've been an emotional roller coaster. I'm freaked about bills, I'm freaked about Christmas, I'm freaked about us buying a house, I'm sad I only have 2 more days with Aiden before he goes to grandmas, I'm angry that I have to go back to that hell hole, I'm worried Josh won't take his GED, I'm upset that on Josh's days off he wants to sit and play video games, and I'm pissed that my house no matter how much I scrub it will never be clean. Ah! I feel crazy inside, so much is going on, I'm stressing about everything. I feel like I'm taking the whole load. I need to find a stress reliever. I recently quit smoking and I'm constantly on edge. It just sucks, I wish there was a button that paused everything. I want to go back with my mom, who loved me, who never let me worry about anything. Can I do the same for Aiden? After my Mom was divorced when I was 5 she went into some serious debt. We lived off food stamps and di for a long time. I never noticed how hard things were for my Mom. I never caught her crying or cursing God for such a hard life. She was never bitter, she just did what needed to be done.

On a positive note I got Aiden his Halloween costume! He'll be the cutiest tigger ever! He looks so much older lately. Oh does he talk up a storm! He almost never talks gibberish anymore. Speaking of Aiden he's awake. :)

Everyone have a great day

September 29

Josh and I started dating September 29, 2008. Three beautiful years with a wonderful man. Falling in love with Josh was so exciting and so fast. We were engaged in Feb the following year. Everything felt right. I've talked about marriage with ex boyfriends but it didn't feel right until I met Josh. He's my soulmate and my best friend. Josh knows me inside and out. I don't have a single secret from him.
I left him a note in the car this morning telling him how grateful I was for him. He didn't have to marry me, he didn't have to be the great father he is but he did. He loved me enough he gave up being a teenager, living with his parents and pretty much all his friends to be my husband. I've never felt such a powerful love.

I love you Joshua Paul Howe forever and always

FML

That's all I keep repeating in my head. That doctors words keep stabbing my mind.
" well everything looks good with your pap smear, except your hpv postive. You'll need a pap smear every six months to check for cervical cancer." the only thing I could say was oh my god. I can't believe it. First kidney stones now this. This might be all my fault. I've faithful to Josh since the day I met him. But what about before that?
I'm so done. I'm so tired.
And what if I'm pregnant? What does that mean for my baby?

Day 1

Ok I'm starting to freak out. I really want to have another baby. It feels right, then why the hell am I freaking out? Why am I so excited? Josh stil needs to get his GED, go through the police academy, and get a better job. I want to be the stay at home mom. I want to be the mother and wife.

I believe were going to get pregnant soon, so there's habbits I need to quit. No soda, no coffee :(:(:( and no smoking. I need to start eating better as well.

I can't believe it's time. A little baby to rock and sing to. Also Aiden to play with and feed. What a crazy world I'm entering

:)

My dad just e mailed me and told me he'll send me a check so Josh can get his GED!!!! Once he gets that we can enroll him into the police academy!! I'm so happy! Things are looking up for us! No more stinkin little ceasars! No more being away from my baby for days at a time!!!
Great!!!!

Ah!!!!!

Why do men only think with their penis? I go Josh we shouldn't have sex we have no birth control!
Eh, I'll pull out
Josh you didn't pull out!!!
Oh well
Oh well? Do you want to have another baby? What if you just got me pregnant?
Then I just got you pregnant, it must be right if it happened so fast.
Ah!!!!!!! I'm ovulating!!! Ladies and gentlemen I'm guessing I'm going to be pregnant sooner than we planned.
HOLY CRAP!

Doctor

Miscarried, the doctor told me today that my copper t must have gotten knocked out when I got my surgery. I had a super heavy crampy period. I miscarried. I feel weird. My little baby left me. I knew I was pregnant. I don't really want to blog as much as I wanted to. Maybe I'll go call my mother in law. She always make me feel better....

Hopefully

No period yet, but I did make an appointment with the midwives for Tuesday. Hopefully nothing serious happened, like an infected copper t. I'm thinking I missed my period because of stress. A bill for 2,300 here a bill for 90 there. I might as well just light my money on fire! On top of that I need to make more appointments for Josh and myself. Josh offically has a hole in his tooth, it's time to force him to the dentist. I guess the worst part about all this is Christmas won't be as big as I planned :( I wanted Aiden to be blown away with how great his birhday and Christmas were going to be.

I really hope Josh was being serious about getting his GED and getting a better job. He's very excited to get a job at the prison. I'm glad Alissa suggested it :) it's all he talks about. When I work at the prison, oh just you wait Karen until I work at the prison!

Well, here's to a new day! Hopefully yours is filled with joy and lots of sunshine :)

Ambers wedding, Camping and finally being home

Let me start out by saying how gorgeous Amber and Tino both looked at the wedding! There were some tiny bumps along the way (mostly our faults) other than that the wedding went smoothly. We had breakfeast Saturday morning with my in laws, Tino's parents, his brothers and this chick who won't have a name other than whore. She thinks she can tell my husband how hot he is and when he's ready to leave his wife she'll be ready! I thought she was my friend! But I'm not bitter ;) The breakfeast was great! We went to Cali's in Orem and it was great! Besides the waitress that spilled my coffee all over the table! Tino's dad Reben was very sweet, he kept giving Aiden quaters for the candy machine. Anyone who's sweet to my baby is definately on my good side.

After breakfeast it was off to the American Fork Ampitheater to set up for the wedding. Melody (my mother in law) made it look great! I hope she gets all the credit for that wedding. She did sooo much! I asked Amber once everything was set up what we could do to help, she said we could pick up the cake and the flowers. What my sweet sister in law failed to mention was that we were picking up two huge cakes not one. One of the cakes sat on my lap and I held the flowers with my feet. We got home and had no room in the fridge for the bouquet so we called Amber and she said to put it in the freezer. The flowers ended up wilting before we got back to AF and somehow the side of the cake got smudged. :(

Everything worked out for the best! Aiden did a great job throwing flower petals. He looked so much older in his tux and bow tie. My little man is growing up! Poor guy ran down a hill to see daddy at the reception and scraped up his face. He was sooo cranky. Hopefully the pictures turned out at least half decent. We couldn't get him to smile to save our lives!

On Sunday we decided to destress and go camping. It was nice to be with family for so long. Most of the camping trip I held Aiden in front of the fire. God I love that kid.

It's nice to be home now, no more work for a minute just time to play with my boys <3

9 days in counting

So I didn't eat for a while, I got sick to my stomach. I haven't felt like this since I was pregnant with Aiden. Maybe I'm looking to much into this. All I know is I threw up from not eating. Holy crap

Not pregnant

Relief, and sadness. It would be so stressful if I was pregnant, it would also be wonderful. 8 days late and I'm not pregnant. I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I have a million emotions all at once. I was positive I was pregnant this time. Ugh, On the bright side we can prepare for our new baby better.

Everything has an interesting way of working out

After Aiden was born my period has been right on. Not a couple days early, not a couple days late. I'm 8 days late for my period. Call me paranoid but I'm freaking out a little bit. Josh hasn't woken up yet so I'm sneaking to the store to get a pregnancy test.

Wonderful

Now that I'm wide awake I might as well blog more. Music, it's been putting my heart back togeather. Taking me out of a horriable fog. Leaving ex boyfriends in the past, letting my heart fully and completely in love. I have been so smitten with Josh these days. I miss him like crazy when he's gone, I think about him constantly. I had a horriable ex when I was younger. He made me feel as if I was a bad person, I deserved to have him beat me at such a young age. Why else would someone I loved beat me and use me for sex if I didn't deserve it? Josh told me I couldn't fully love him until I loved myself, he told me that when we first started dating. He told me he would stand by my side until the day I loved myself and everyday after that.

I'm starting to realize that I do love myself and the many people who love me as well. I remember an English teacher in high school who had an amazing impact on me. She taught me about Carpe Diem's ( a moment you seize the day) this is my Carpe Diem. I am a wonderful mom, I would do anything for my son. I am a great wife and a damn good worker. I'd do anything for the people I love. I can't let him haunt me the way he has for so many years. I've finally let him go. It feels so... Wonderful. No longer can he haunt my dreams, no longer can he tell me how worthless I am. He can't hurt me anymore. He has no more power over me. Wow, I don't think I've confessed my nightmare to anyone but Josh and maybe Sunny or Emily. It feels good. I've held on to this for a long time. I feel like I can live now. I don't feel the aches in my body, the terror of feeling like I don't deserve happiness.

I have the most wonderful husband in this whole world. I was broken, until his sweet spirit fixed me. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. If you have the time listen to the song wonderful by annie lennox. That's what really helped me.

Thank you for your love and support. I'm going to be ok, thank god!

Lila

It came in a dream, a baby girl named Lila Howe. I held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep.

Baby!!!!!!

So I've been talking to Josh and were going to have another baby!!! Were planning on getting pregnant in January! So much to do before then! So much planning!! I found a job I can do at home, that way I can be with the new baby and Aiden!
I'm so excited! It's been the only thing on my mind lately! I'm really going to have another baby! I can't beleive it!!!! Aiden will have a friend!

My brain is so restless hopefully I can sleep!!!

One day

How do you escape yourself? How do you escape the sadness in your heart? When does it get easier to control it? I love my husband, I love my baby, my family and my friends. Being so sad makes me a wonderful lover, but it makes me lonely. I want to break down, I want to lay in someones arms and completely fall apart. Why do I run when people reach out?

I'm changing my life, so I can hopefully be a happier person

•I'm going to finally quit smoking. But Karen I thought you quit already? Sadly no, hopefully soon
• I'm going to get a better job, which means I need to finish the math part of my GED
• I need to figure a way to get my Joshies teeth fixed
•I need a bedtime, lol more sleep happier mommy in the morning
•I need to quit drinking soda
• I need to become a better cook
• I need to exercise more
• I need to find a pass time I enjoy
• I need to finish those damn classes to finally get my license

Long list but I think it will be worth it

To have or to wait?

You know what I noticed? Everytime I talk to my mother in law I get extremely baby hungry. Also Aiden is growing up fast and without a playmate. I've been thinking about it A LOT lately. It's not fair that Aiden is going to have no one to talk to, no one to relate to. That makes me really sad.

I want another baby! I want to feel it in my stomach, that little life. That excitement that a brand new baby can bring. The only thing that scares me, I already love Aiden with everything I have how I can I love another baby like I love him? It doesn't seem possible, it doesn't seem right.

Oh what to do?