9 days in counting

So I didn't eat for a while, I got sick to my stomach. I haven't felt like this since I was pregnant with Aiden. Maybe I'm looking to much into this. All I know is I threw up from not eating. Holy crap

Not pregnant

Relief, and sadness. It would be so stressful if I was pregnant, it would also be wonderful. 8 days late and I'm not pregnant. I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I have a million emotions all at once. I was positive I was pregnant this time. Ugh, On the bright side we can prepare for our new baby better.

Everything has an interesting way of working out

After Aiden was born my period has been right on. Not a couple days early, not a couple days late. I'm 8 days late for my period. Call me paranoid but I'm freaking out a little bit. Josh hasn't woken up yet so I'm sneaking to the store to get a pregnancy test.

Wonderful

Now that I'm wide awake I might as well blog more. Music, it's been putting my heart back togeather. Taking me out of a horriable fog. Leaving ex boyfriends in the past, letting my heart fully and completely in love. I have been so smitten with Josh these days. I miss him like crazy when he's gone, I think about him constantly. I had a horriable ex when I was younger. He made me feel as if I was a bad person, I deserved to have him beat me at such a young age. Why else would someone I loved beat me and use me for sex if I didn't deserve it? Josh told me I couldn't fully love him until I loved myself, he told me that when we first started dating. He told me he would stand by my side until the day I loved myself and everyday after that.

I'm starting to realize that I do love myself and the many people who love me as well. I remember an English teacher in high school who had an amazing impact on me. She taught me about Carpe Diem's ( a moment you seize the day) this is my Carpe Diem. I am a wonderful mom, I would do anything for my son. I am a great wife and a damn good worker. I'd do anything for the people I love. I can't let him haunt me the way he has for so many years. I've finally let him go. It feels so... Wonderful. No longer can he haunt my dreams, no longer can he tell me how worthless I am. He can't hurt me anymore. He has no more power over me. Wow, I don't think I've confessed my nightmare to anyone but Josh and maybe Sunny or Emily. It feels good. I've held on to this for a long time. I feel like I can live now. I don't feel the aches in my body, the terror of feeling like I don't deserve happiness.

I have the most wonderful husband in this whole world. I was broken, until his sweet spirit fixed me. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. If you have the time listen to the song wonderful by annie lennox. That's what really helped me.

Thank you for your love and support. I'm going to be ok, thank god!

Lila

It came in a dream, a baby girl named Lila Howe. I held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep.

Baby!!!!!!

So I've been talking to Josh and were going to have another baby!!! Were planning on getting pregnant in January! So much to do before then! So much planning!! I found a job I can do at home, that way I can be with the new baby and Aiden!
I'm so excited! It's been the only thing on my mind lately! I'm really going to have another baby! I can't beleive it!!!! Aiden will have a friend!

My brain is so restless hopefully I can sleep!!!

One day

How do you escape yourself? How do you escape the sadness in your heart? When does it get easier to control it? I love my husband, I love my baby, my family and my friends. Being so sad makes me a wonderful lover, but it makes me lonely. I want to break down, I want to lay in someones arms and completely fall apart. Why do I run when people reach out?

I'm changing my life, so I can hopefully be a happier person

•I'm going to finally quit smoking. But Karen I thought you quit already? Sadly no, hopefully soon
• I'm going to get a better job, which means I need to finish the math part of my GED
• I need to figure a way to get my Joshies teeth fixed
•I need a bedtime, lol more sleep happier mommy in the morning
•I need to quit drinking soda
• I need to become a better cook
• I need to exercise more
• I need to find a pass time I enjoy
• I need to finish those damn classes to finally get my license

Long list but I think it will be worth it

To have or to wait?

You know what I noticed? Everytime I talk to my mother in law I get extremely baby hungry. Also Aiden is growing up fast and without a playmate. I've been thinking about it A LOT lately. It's not fair that Aiden is going to have no one to talk to, no one to relate to. That makes me really sad.

I want another baby! I want to feel it in my stomach, that little life. That excitement that a brand new baby can bring. The only thing that scares me, I already love Aiden with everything I have how I can I love another baby like I love him? It doesn't seem possible, it doesn't seem right.

Oh what to do?

Owie :(

All I really want to say is owie :( this surgery is probably one of the most painful experiences I've ever had to go threw. Thank god for my hubby and my daddy. Without them I don't think I would have made it out of the recovery room.
The surgery went well, I went in at 2:30 and left at 8:30 ( talk about a long day). I watched a movie from 3:30 til 5 while the doctor finished up another surgery. The anesthesiologist Dr. Priest came in before my surgery to talk to me. I started crying and told him how scared I was. He smiled and reassured me I was in great hands. He promised me he wouldn't let anything bad happen. He was a very nice guy.

I woke up an hour later in tremendous pain in the recovery room. The nurses were very sweet and helped me with whatever I needed. They even sat there and joked and small talked with me and my family. Amber (my sister in law) and Tino (her fiancé) brought me a feel well soon balloon. My mother in law bought me a chocolate shake and my daddy paid for my perscriptions. Can you beleive that the doctor would perscribe you pills that cost 97 dollars!? Ge'ez!

The sucky part I can't lift more than 10 pounds for 2 weeks :( that means I can't pick up my baby guy. It's going to be hard and I'm not going to lie I may cheat a little, but I'll try.

I think I'm going to get some sleep, if I can :(

The cherry on top on my sundae

It's been way to long since I've posted anything on my blog. I guess I haven't been up to it.

Last Friday I went to the hospital for extreme pain in my back and my stomach. I was diagnosed with kidney stones. When I saw the specialist today he said both my kidneys are full of stones. He suggested surgery as soon as possible. So Monday is the day, I'm really scared.

I've been taking medication for the pain and turns out I'm allergic. My body broke out with itchy bumps, not a fun experience! Well, yesterday we were going to the doctors to try a different kind of medication. We dropped the baby off at my friends we were a block away when this lady t boned us. I've never been in a car accident before. No one told me how angry I would be. I wasn't wearing my seat belt, I jumped around the car like crazy. That was the cherry on my sundae.

I miss feeling normal, I miss being a mommy. All I want is to take Aiden on a walk or go to the park. I'm in so much pain I just lay on the couch. Mother of the freakin year right there. I can't wait until I kick this thing in the ass!

Josh's sweet grandma died Saturday afternoon. I loved going and visiting her. She's the first one to really welcome me in the family besides my mother in law. When I was pregnant she always would ask me "Are you taking care of my baby?" or "You better be taking care of that baby for me." she'll be greatly missed. The funeral is tomorrow, I'm hoping I can cope with it ok. Josh is in so much pain, I need to be the strong one. For all the times Josh was my rock, I need to be his.

Here's to tomorrow, celebrating a wonderful soul that will be missed very much.