Catching up

I kinda fell off the planet for a minute. We were using our friends Internet but she recently got divorced. Goodbye Internet :( things have been going well. Josh turned 21 yesterday and I spoiled him rotten! Now we have Christmas and Aiden's birthday to look forward to. If you'd like to come to his birthday just let me know :)
I'm not pregnant yet :( but were still trying. I hope it's soon, I miss being pregnant.
I hope your all doing well! I love you guys have a great day
<3

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - A. A. Miline

I've kinda fallen off the planet for a minute there. I haven't been handling life very well. I cry to much, I get mad easily, I stress about absolutely everything. F my life. The bills are getting bigger and bigger. My supposed "best friend" is a lying slut. Were planning on having another baby and that scares the shit out of me. I feel like I'm a big fat burden on everyone I love. I never meant to work so much. My bother in law told me the other day " you see Aiden 3 days out of the week while we have him for four." break my heart. I hate that I have to leave him that long. A little blonde haired boy came up to me in the lobby last week. I offered him a cookie and he ran to his mom and told her I was pretty. I cried, I went into the bathroom and balled. I may not get a lot of time with him but god damn it I love him. I told Josh when we have another baby I will not work anymore. Josh will have to find a better job because I won't do it again.

God I'm falling apart. I'm supposed to have it togeather, I'm supposed to be super mom.

Mixed emotions

I'm not pregnant. I started my period. I'm upset, I'm relieved, I'm stressed, I'm crushed. I was so excited to be pregnant. I was excited to give Aiden a brother or sister. I was excited to be pregnant again. I'm so bummed, I miss read the signs again. The throwing up, the being super tired, the smells, the headaches, the tender breast all of it. I swear I was pregnant but I guess not.

Ugh

Lately life has been.... Emotional. I've been an emotional roller coaster. I'm freaked about bills, I'm freaked about Christmas, I'm freaked about us buying a house, I'm sad I only have 2 more days with Aiden before he goes to grandmas, I'm angry that I have to go back to that hell hole, I'm worried Josh won't take his GED, I'm upset that on Josh's days off he wants to sit and play video games, and I'm pissed that my house no matter how much I scrub it will never be clean. Ah! I feel crazy inside, so much is going on, I'm stressing about everything. I feel like I'm taking the whole load. I need to find a stress reliever. I recently quit smoking and I'm constantly on edge. It just sucks, I wish there was a button that paused everything. I want to go back with my mom, who loved me, who never let me worry about anything. Can I do the same for Aiden? After my Mom was divorced when I was 5 she went into some serious debt. We lived off food stamps and di for a long time. I never noticed how hard things were for my Mom. I never caught her crying or cursing God for such a hard life. She was never bitter, she just did what needed to be done.

On a positive note I got Aiden his Halloween costume! He'll be the cutiest tigger ever! He looks so much older lately. Oh does he talk up a storm! He almost never talks gibberish anymore. Speaking of Aiden he's awake. :)

Everyone have a great day

September 29

Josh and I started dating September 29, 2008. Three beautiful years with a wonderful man. Falling in love with Josh was so exciting and so fast. We were engaged in Feb the following year. Everything felt right. I've talked about marriage with ex boyfriends but it didn't feel right until I met Josh. He's my soulmate and my best friend. Josh knows me inside and out. I don't have a single secret from him.
I left him a note in the car this morning telling him how grateful I was for him. He didn't have to marry me, he didn't have to be the great father he is but he did. He loved me enough he gave up being a teenager, living with his parents and pretty much all his friends to be my husband. I've never felt such a powerful love.

I love you Joshua Paul Howe forever and always

FML

That's all I keep repeating in my head. That doctors words keep stabbing my mind.
" well everything looks good with your pap smear, except your hpv postive. You'll need a pap smear every six months to check for cervical cancer." the only thing I could say was oh my god. I can't believe it. First kidney stones now this. This might be all my fault. I've faithful to Josh since the day I met him. But what about before that?
I'm so done. I'm so tired.
And what if I'm pregnant? What does that mean for my baby?

Day 1

Ok I'm starting to freak out. I really want to have another baby. It feels right, then why the hell am I freaking out? Why am I so excited? Josh stil needs to get his GED, go through the police academy, and get a better job. I want to be the stay at home mom. I want to be the mother and wife.

I believe were going to get pregnant soon, so there's habbits I need to quit. No soda, no coffee :(:(:( and no smoking. I need to start eating better as well.

I can't believe it's time. A little baby to rock and sing to. Also Aiden to play with and feed. What a crazy world I'm entering